I'd hate you if I could {Percy}

[SIMON CHAPMAN]

He wasn't sure how long he'd been out, or even what time he'd fallen asleep. All Simon knew was his head was killing him. He hadn't even had anything to drink. This time it was alcohol at all causing the splitting pain, it was more the- fuck it was embarrassing to admit- but it was probably more the crying he'd been doing. What the fuck was that about. Simon didn't fucking cry. He took a prozac and went to bed. But something about finding out Percy had been getting all cozy with his ex made it too much to push away.

Not only had he been crying, but in front of Lacey. He'd told her not to come over, he'd called her when she was on the way, telling her to please just turn around, to please just let him wallow in self pity alone. But Lacey was a stubborn one- probably one of the reasons he'd kept her around for so long. And so Simon had spent then night practically in her lap just blubbering. Yuck. Not something he really wanted to remember.

Pushing himself up in bed lazily, he glanced over at the mirror across the room from him. His image was blurry through still watery eyes and his hair was beyond smoothing down without a brush. He didn't feel like bothering to make himself look presentable, though. Instead, he slid out from under the covers, tensing up in the uncomfortable cold of the morning- (or afternoon?).

He spotted a note on his night-stand, probably left from Lacey after tucking him away under the covers. Picking it up, he turned it over reading to himself, "Hey, boo thang. Had to head to work early this morning. Don't kill yourself while I'm gone, okay?" Setting the note back down and swallowing the unwelcome lump in his throat he went over to his dresser, stooping down to the bottom drawer.

Simon was quite intent on forgetting the whole incident of last night. Forgetting Percy and fucking Benji. Maybe killing himself later. But for now, he just wanted to keep from crying more. He wasn't used to the feeling, and, honestly, it was the worst.

What better way to push away the tears than doing a line or two (or three) of coke. He barely took a break between the three, only stopping when he got thirsty. The first thing he went for was the bottle of vodka under the bathroom sink. There wasn't nearly as much as he wanted left, but he took what there was without a thought, downing it all in slow gulps, sliding the bottle across the tile floor carelessly.

And then he got an idea. His coked out head started formulating this bad idea and he jumped to his feet having to stop to balance himself before he went to dig his phone out from his bed sheets. Rubbing at his nose with one hand as he dialed Percy's number with the other he stared contemptuously at the screen as it informed him that it was dialing.

He didn't even know what to say. He didn't know where to start. He didn't know what would make this better. Fuck, it'd just make it work. As the phone continued to ring he started to grow angrier and finally he punched the end button, stopping the call.

No. Fuck. He couldn't just call Percy. No. What fucking good would that do. Wiping at his nose again furiously his eyes flitted back down to the phone and he gritted his teeth, clenching the phone in his hand before his arm reeled back,

"God. FUCKING DAMMIT." He'd yelled as the phone went flying out of his hand and crashing into the mirror. The glass cracked with a harsh sound, a shard dropping from the frame as he stared at it.

He needed to do another line.

[PERCY YEATS]

Percy was not having the best of mornings.

He'd returned home to his dorm room and fallen into his bed with a groan, pulling his pillow over his head and deciding he would wallow in his self-hatred and guilt for a little while before trying to pull himself together for the day. Nothing quite ruined a weekend like a drunken hookup with an ex who was apparently still in love with you. The hangover also was not helping his mood at all; when he heard his phone buzzing urgently in the pocket of his tux he let out a low growl of a noise.

"Shut up, shut up!" he snapped, sitting up eventually and reaching for it. Of course, missed call.

From Simon.

"Oh... shit," Percy muttered numbly, his stomach dropping to his knees. He had sort of... forgotten about Simon in the drama that had unfolded with Benji. He chewed on his bottom lip. It was probably not a good thing that he'd slept with Benji after Simon had told him he loved him. In fact, that sounded like the kind of thing that would turn out to be a very bad thing.

"Shit, shit." He stood up, dialing Simon back as he shuffled through his room and pulled some more appropriate clothes on. It went straight to voicemail and he cursed under his breath again, zipping up his jeans and shoving his feet into his casual converse. "Fine, Simon, don't pick up after I call you back, not rude at all," he grumbled under his breath, pulling his coat on and grabbing his keys.

He wasn't entirely sure why he felt driven to actually go find Simon, but before he knew it he was standing in front of the boy's dorm room, thumbing his hair nervously off his forehead, staring at the number tacked on to the wood with dread. He had a very bad feeling about this.

He knocked anyway.

[SIMON CHAPMAN]

He'd done at least another line and a half before the knock gave him a start. Head whipping around to stare down the door, he straightened up from where he'd been leaning over his desk, wiping the powder from under his nose onto the back of his hand, brushing it off on his boxers.

Simon wasn't dressed for company at all, but he wasn't really worried by this at the moment. He stepped up to the door guardedly, standing still for a moment as if to see if he could hear who it was. Simon wasn't a master at reading breathing patterns, though. So, he had no clue. Although, he should've been able to realize from his recent calls.

He swung the door open unsuspectingly, though, setting his eyes on Percy. He looked blankly at him a moment, a certain dangerous gleam in his eye before he broke out into the most plastic grin.

"Oh shit. It's Percy." He informed no one in particular, throwing the door open wider, "What a fucking surprise. How fucking good to see you. How the fuck have you been? Been good, have you? Been getting around nicely? How ever did you find the fucking time to come here for me." His eyes were growing into slits with each word, breathing heavy and uneven.

He probably looked like someone straight out of a psych ward.

[PERCY YEATS]

Percy waited impatiently, half tempted to knock again when Simon didn't immediately open the door. He jumped a little when it was suddenly lurched open, and he was so shocked by Simon's appearance and the hateful, wild look in his eyes that he took a small, wary step back, narrowing his eyes at the boy as he would at a feral animal. He scrutinized Simon in silence for a while before scoffing quietly.

Simon was clearly drugged up to his hairline; Percy didn't bother to wonder why.

"You look psychotic," he observed tartly. "And you called me, remember? Less than twenty minutes ago?" He shifted a little, looking uncomfortable for a few vulnerable seconds as he realized that yes, Simon was probably aware of what had happened last night between him and Benji. Awesome.

He glanced up and down the hall self-consciously and then said, "Are you going to let me in or not?" It was probably going to be ugly; he didn't want any of that spilling out into the hallway. It was never in Percy's character to make a scene.

[SIMON CHAPMAN]

Every little thing Percy did just ticked him off further. The way he narrowed his eyes back at him like he had some right to be irritated. The way he scoffed at him like he did. Oh, that fucking bitch. Oh, that FUCKING bitch. He could hardly suppress the urge to reach over and smack that look off the boy's face. Clenching and unclenching his jaw as he watched Percy hatefully, he scoffed harshly at the boy's comment about his appearance.

Shit. He had called him hadn't he? Why had he done that. Now the anger and hurt was boiling his inside of him, tightening in his chest making his breathing even more erratic.

Sniffing lividly as Percy waited to be invited in he waved him resentfully, slamming the door closed before immediately turning on Percy, getting right up in his face brows knitting tightly. "Glad you could make it, Perce." He snarled putting a lot more venom into the nickname than he usually ever intended. "Boy, it's been a fucking while, hasn't it?" He spat, leaning over him darkly. "Last time I saw you had to be that time that I...oh, I don't know, went and made a fucking DUMB ASS out of myself by admitting that I had fucking feelings for you?!" Simon had shoved Percy now, stepping back up to him a moment later. "How fucking stupid of me, Percy. I've made some pretty big fucking mistake, but shit, doesn't this have to be the BIGGEST FUCKING MISTAKE I'VE EVER MADE?" He said, giving a somber laugh.

Turning from Percy, he went to his desk throwing the text books he had neatly stacked on it off and onto the floor, spinning back around to glare at him again.

[PERCY YEATS]

Percy walked in slowly, watching Simon with a gaze that was all at once confused, reluctant and uneasy, gaze flittering around to take in the mess of the other boy's room.

...He had a very bad feeling about this.

He twitched visibly when Simon moved past him to slam the door shut, and the confusion on his face hardened into something more defensive. "What the hell is the matter with you, you're coked out of your mind," he said darkly, stiffening as Simon suddenly verbally attacked him. "Don't fucking push me, Simon!" he all but yelled, forcibly smacking Simon's hands away. It took him a short moment to formulate a response, because honestly, Percy was aware that he was currently the one that looked bad.

Yes, he had slept with Benji.
That had not been one of his best decisions.

But there was no way in hell he was going to let Simon talk to him like this.

He did not flinch when Simon threw the books.

"You done throwing a fit yet?" he asked coldly, glaring across the room. "Aren't you being a tad hypocritical? Simon, who has managed to sleep through every sorority on campus? Since when the hell do you get to preach about celibacy? Who the hell do you think you are judging me like you're some kind of fucking saint. How many times have you bragged to me about how many 'bitches' you can lay on a weekly basis?"

[SIMON CHAPMAN]

"No Percy, I'm not fucking done." He hissed, kicking the text book as his feet out of the way before walking back up to the boy. He stood over him again eyes staring holes through Percy for a long moment, listening to him call him a hypocrite.

The argument was fair enough, sober Simon would've been set back by that. But this was Simon with almost a gram of coke in his system. He didn't even pause between what Percy said and his own little rant. "Ohhh FUCK OFF with that shit, Percy. You know good and fucking well that was before we talked. But I guess that doesn't mean SHIT to you, huh? Guess that didn't change a fucking thing." Turning away again he stormed back over to his desk, leaning down to finish the line of coke he'd been doing before Percy had interrupted.

Yeah, in Simon's mind he'd interrupted.

"This is why I don't fucking like people. Because whenever I fucking do, they go and do this kind of shit. Because people are shit." He grunted over at Percy as he took the already cracked mirror and smashed it carelessly against the wood floor.

This was going to be hell to clean up later.

[PERCY YEATS]

Percy rolled his eyes and waved a hand at the text book. "Oh, well then do carry on, Simon," he drawled back icily, refusing to back up when the furious boy came stomping over to him. He was not going to be intimidated. He made an offended noise at Simon's counter argument and threw his hands into the air.

"I'm sorry I didn't devote myself to you after one conversation and the first nice thing you've probably ever even said to me, Simon. Sorry, but it doesn't always work like that. I didn't realize that suddenly we were - what, exactly? Exclusive? After being not-quite-anything for what, six years?? Excuse me if I was a little resistant to change!"

He turned away disgustedly when Simon bent to snort the line of coke, gritting his teeth and crossing his arms over his chest. He opened his mouth, probably to snap something insulting, but his words, like his breath, were snatched violently away in surprise when Simon threw the mirror.

He took a small step back, startled like a deer by the violence of the act.
He'd never really seen Simon lose his cool this much; he had not predicted the extent of Simon's reaction. "S-so what?" he asked, gathering his courage again despite being shaken. "Are you just going to throw a fucking tantrum?"

[SIMON CHAPMAN]

Stepping over shards of glass clumsily he moved back over to Percy, feeling as if he needed to be right in his face for every fucking word the other boy was going to say against. And oh did he know Percy was going to say everything against him. The anger was starting to seep into something else, though, something unwanted as he stared Percy down, eyes running over the other boy's face as if trying to figure out why he had to feel this way about him and why it had to hurt so fucking much.

"Benji, Percy? Really?? It fucking had to be BENJI?" He was saying, trying to wrap his head around it all in such a vulnerable, coked up, fucked up state of mind. He could already feel the unwanted tears welling back up in the back of his eyes. Fuck. Not now. But he couldn't stop. Something in him kept him questioning,

"Thousands of fucking people in Vegas and you sleep with your ex? Do you even fucking know how fucking shit I felt- feel." He was starting to sniffle as a few of those stupid fucking tears started to roll down his face. "I guess I should've taken the fucking hint when you didn't even say it back. But that- that REALLY had to be your way of telling me to piss off." He was having a hard time getting the words out between the blubbering which he was masking poorly.

[PERCY YEATS]

Percy backed up a few steps this time as Simon approached, gaze flickering nervously down to the shattered glass under the boy's feet before he looked stubbornly back up, meeting the other's gaze. He was expecting to find more anger there - and there was, but there was also something else, a quiver, that made Percy avert his eyes and step back, again, until his back was against the wall.

"I - " He swallowed, clearly having more difficulty now in defending himself.
It had been a really shitty thing to do. For everyone involved, really.
"I was drunk," he muttered finally, clenching his hand into a fist for a moment before he made himself open it again.

He was pretty shocked by the sight of Simon's tears, and his expression shifted in a few moments of confused vulnerability, guilt and shame flickering in his eyes. His hands twitched like they wanted to reach out, maybe to comfort the other boy, but in the end he just clenched them together behind his back instead.

"I didn't go out of my way to try and hurt you, it didn't - it's not like I intended for it to happen," he tried quietly, running a hand through his hair and biting his lip.

It was doing all kinds of things to him, watching Simon cry.

[SIMON CHAPMAN]

"Of course you didn't go out of your way, why would you go out of your way. Neither of us ever go out of the way ever to do anything. It just fucking happens. And it ends up shit every fucking time." He was sniveling, voice cracking more than once as he tried to hold onto any bit of composure he had left.

Simon slumped back into his desk chair, resting his elbows on the desk and burying his face miserably into his hands.

"This just shouldn't be so fucking hard." He groaned, letting his arms drop and his forehead come down onto the desk now.

"I was so fucking okay with never feeling like I needed someone. It's not fucking fair." He mumbled, bottom lip quivering before he fell mostly silent, sniffling more- partially because of the crying, mostly because of the powder still itching at his nose.

He wasn't in the slightest calmed down. He just couldn't think of anything else to yell at Percy now. And honestly he'd exhausted himself a little, what with smashing a mirror.

Finally sitting up after a bit more sniffling to himself, he looked back over to Percy reluctantly. "I shouldn't have called. It was fucking stupid." He mumbled, not looking Percy completely in the eye. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew this was going to come back to bite him in the ass when he sobered up.

[PERCY YEATS]

Percy stood against the wall, arms crossed protectively over his chest as he watched Simon fall apart right in front of him. He had never seen Simon cry before, and the more the other boy sniffled and wiped at his leaking eyes, the more Percy found himself struggling to think of something to do or say. Shakily, he walked over to the dresser and picked up the box of tissues sitting there before carefully making his way over the broken glass and to Simon's desk.

He placed the box in front of the other boy with care, said quietly, "Don't cry, Simon." His bottom lip trembled mutinously and he cleared his throat. "It was just one night, Simon." He felt like these weren't the right words, and he looked to the side, blinking rapidly against the stinging at the back of his eyeballs.

Ugh. Crying twice in one day. Gross.

He reached out, hesitated, his hand hovering close to Simon's shoulder before he slid his fingers determinedly into the other's hair. He swallowed. "I'msorry," he muttered, looking down at his shoes, biting the inside of his bottom lip. He'd never really apologized to Simon, and it was funny; he'd said the same words to Benji a million times, and it had never been as difficult as it was now.

It had made him feel vulnerable, but he figured it was only fair considering Simon's current state.

[SIMON CHAPMAN]

This crying business was messy. Simon didn't like it one bit. He wished there was an off-switch for it. Some way to just suck the feeling up and go back to feeling some what alright- or at least a way to make the stuffy nose and tears disappear. Sadly, there wasn't a way that he'd found, and so it continued on quite obnoxiously.

Lifting his head from the desk when he heard Percy nearing and saw the box of tissues he sighed out and yanked one from the box. He did his very best to make sure Percy couldn't see his face when he blew his nose or when he took another tissue to dry his face a little.

That was the thing about Percy. He always saw him at his very worst, it seemed. Simon wasn't sure if that was good for them, but he felt as if it was better than someone he didn't know seeing him this way. For instance, he knew Percy wouldn't be able to let his guard completely down. He knew he'd most likely try to keep the intimacy to a minimum if he could. That was alright.

He couldn't bring himself to look at Percy for a long moment, like the moment he did he'd start crying again or something. Lord knew he didn't want to do anymore of that shit ever if he could manage not to. Swallowing hard as he listened to Percy's mumbled apology he finally forced his eyes up to Percy, turning his head up to the boy.

"I know I fuck around a lot. It doesn't ever mean anything, though. It didn't start meaning anything until it was with you."

[PERCY YEATS]

Percy averted his eyes because he knew Simon and he knew Simon wouldn't want him to see him in such a state, and for some reason Percy cared what Simon wanted and what Simon felt. So he watched his hand as he softly slid his fingers through the other boy's short hair in what he hoped was a comforting sort of petting motion, feeling like he was trying to embrace someone who was miles and miles away.

Wasn't it always just like that with Simon, though?

But then again, whose fault was that really? After all, here Simon was, cracked open and spilling everything onto the table, and Percy felt like he was clamming up, shutting down in a panic, mute. It took him a moment to meet Simon's gaze when the other boy finally turned his head up to really look at him. Blue flickered uncertainly and his eyelids fluttered the way that they do when a person's trying not to cry.

"Last night - " He was trying to explain, but it was hard because for four years they had gotten so good at pretending and pretending and pretending and suddenly everything was painful truth, and Percy wasn't good at telling the truth. "It wasn't - It could have been anyone." His fingers twitched guiltily when he thought of Benji, hopeful Benji, hurt Benji.

But he had to steel his resolve, because in the end, when he was honest with himself, the one that he wanted wasn't Benji.
It was Simon.
Stupid, difficult, impossible Simon.

He took a deep breath and turned his head to the side, looking at the floor. His ears were pink and his eyes were wet and he was absolutely miserable spilling his feelings everywhere but it had to be said:

"You're the only one I want, Simon. I only went with Benji because you weren't there."

[SIMON CHAPMAN]

Simon was almost relieved to see Percy's shell cracking, even the slightest bit. He could be stubborn, sure, but Percy had him beat there. It seemed it took Simon falling apart to get a real reaction out of the boy. Hopefully that wasn't how it was going to be. Simon didn't take very well to laying all his cards out on the table like this.

He didn't know if he believed what Percy said, maybe he was being harder on the other boy than he should be. Maybe this was all some overreaction, but Simon would like to think that it was more than that. He'd like to think that for once it was Percy fucking up. That had to be the only consolation to be made from this whole situation.

And then there was what Percy said next, which, frankly, Simon couldn't quite figure out how to react to. The sniveling and tears and heavy breathing had all stopped rather abruptly. He opened and closed his mouth, realizing he wasn't exactly sure how to justify what Percy had just said with a reply. Speechless. That was one thing Simon wasn't used to being.

"I guess that's really...all I wanted to hear." He said slowly eyes still on Percy's face as if trying to make sure he hadn't imagined him saying that.