Streets of Gold {Percy}

[PERCY YEATS]

Percy face pinched guiltily and his shoulders hunched forward slightly, body curling in on itself as his fingertips drifted across the lip of his cup. "I mind," he replied quietly. "I hated it then, too." He straightened his shoulders and added, "That's one of the reasons I broke it off. I thought it was going to poison us. I mean, it had, by that point, but I could just... I could just tell it was only going to get worse. It was like - " He paused, having gotten riled up as he was talking, expression livening in a frustrated way. "It was like we weren't happy to see each other any more, we were both just angry and anxious and so jealous, I jus couldn't..."

He trailed off, eyes skittering to the side as he regained his composure some. He thumbed his hair out of his face and took a calming sip of his coffee.

When he felt Benji's leg brush his own he blinked, startled, but then just shook his head in gentle dismissal: "It's fine."

Benji's question did little to ease his unsettled emotions, and he stared at the boy for a moment, brows crinkling into a look that seemed almost... hurt; but all at once he had torn his gaze away and mastered his expression into something less obvious. "No," he said finally. "I loved you and you loved me, and even if we fucked it up, it was real." His hands curled into tight fists in his lap. "I don't regret our relationship, Benji. I just accept it for what it was, good and bad."

[BENJI FLYNN]

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The silence almost killed him, watching Percy's expressions changing as he spoke. Benji's smile remained fixed, though a little smaller than before. The way Percy spoke it was as if there was no way forward for them. Loved. In the past. Not the future. Benji looked down into his empty coffee cup and tried to keep the smile on his face. Ah well, he could wait. Maybe one day Percy would change his mind and then...who knew?

He bit his bottom lip and looked back up at Percy, nodding to the boy's cup - Would you like another? he asked, fishing in his pocket for his wallet so he could pay again.

How's your family? he asked after a moment of awkward silence. Percy's mother had never liked Benji, she was probably glad she didn't have to walk in to find the two curled up asleep on Percy's bed. Everyone else had been alright with it, even Percy's siblings had grown used to having Benji sneaking in. They kept it a secret as long as they were topped up with sweets. Benji smiled to himself, he missed it. Family. They had been so kind to him.

He called the waitress over and placed his coffee order, waiting for Percy before handing over his money. Any excuse to stay with Percy a little longer, even if he didn't really want the coffee in the first place.

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[PERCY YEATS]

Benji always smiled when he was miserable.

It had taken Percy a while to figure this out about his boyfriend, but he saw it clear as day now (as unhelpful as now was; it would have been useful to know then when he'd taken those smiles at face value and thought Benji was over it, was over them), and he swallowed. He traced his fingers distractedly over the various lines and ridges of his coffee cup, trying to find some comforting words of reassurance.

But he just wasn't very good at this sort of thing; feelings, predominantly, and the desire to actually help someone instead of just ride on his usual persona of cold and uninterested wit. Benji had always brought out the gentler side of him, but tht didn't mean he actually knew how to handle these situations, regardless of how much he really did want to right things.

He cleared his throat and shook his head, returning the smile, his own rather lack luster as well. "No, I'm fine, I haven't even really finished this one yet." He glanced dismissively at the waitress and she left, and then he turned his attention back to Benji at the question.

He shrugged, rolling his eyes somewhat. "Oh, they're much the same. The twins are a lot bigger than when you last saw them, but everyone's otherwise pretty unchangeable. It's nice getting to see them over break, but I'm glad I'm not living under the same roof." He leaned his elbows on the table, leaned in towards Benji with ever-benign interest. "So tell me about your music major. I have a few friends in that department but I really don't know how it works - are you specializing in an instrument or a style of music or something?" His voice was quiet and gently coaxing - which, for anyone who knew Percy, was rather not in character, and he kept his face honest and open in some hope that maybe Benji would relax, let go of some of the guilt and the blame, heal a little maybe in the course of their conversation.

[BENJI FLYNN]

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Music? Oh it's really good so far. It depends on the course you take. I'm doing the production side of it, so like, the recording studio side? So although I'm not technically playing an instrument I have to know the basics about all of them, and then how to set up the studio, record, edit and all that stuff. Then it's the music management side, promotions, putting on concerts and all that kinda thing. I think it's really good... he realized he was rambling and so stopped suddenly, blushing slightly, but I dunno...probably not gonna get anywhere with it.

Burying his nose back in his coffee cup, Benji sat in silence for a moment, What kind of things are you doing in theater? Have you done any performances yet? I haven't seen any posters...otherwise I would have come... He asked, more interested in hearing what Percy had to say than anything he had. Percy had always been a far more interesting person.

He leant back a little in his chair, placing his cup down on the table. He had never realized how insecure he really was until he was talking to Percy. Every fiber of his being wanted Percy to like him again, to remember what it had been like to be in love. But at the same time, he knew Percy was better off with someone else and Benji probably wouldn't make him happy.

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[PERCY YEATS]

"Production?" Percy grinned, pleasantly surprised, and said, "So you're going to be producing music, you think? That's pretty awesome, Benji." His smile turned wry, twitching up crookedly in the left corner as he averted his eyes briefly to his coffee. "You'll make a lot of money, which is probably more than I can say about being an actor." This was true; Percy had realized well within the first year of his theater education that no one in the business with half a brain really expected to make it big. His dream of being rich and famous was, for now, on the back burner.

Percy scoffed, making a dismissive, flippant gesture with one graceful hand. "Don't say that, of course you're going to go somewhere with it. You always did have such a bad habit of selling yourself short," he said, sounding gently exasperated and nostalgically affectionate all at once; Benji's subtle streak of self-deprication was just another quiet reminder of that heart of gold he kept hidden under his rough exterior. It made Percy feel somewhat less guilty for ending the relationship, if only because he knew Benji deserved someone better. Someone less manipulative, someone less selfish and temperamental and someone who wasn't more prone to spitting venom and telling lies than they were to confessing their feelings and showing their affections.

He shrugged at the question about his major, unable to keep the boastful, ambitious gleam from his eyes: "Don't worry about it, we don't have much in the way of advertising; and I'm doing pretty well. I've gotten a few good parts in some of the shows that have been put on over the last two years." He thumbed his hair from his eyes. "I'm actually preparing for an audition right now; it's next week, I've been trying to memorize my monologues and cues and everything all week." He preened in his typically Percian manner, smiling lazily and smoothing out the wrinkles in his shirt. "I think I'm going to get it. I'm fairly certain I know the material better than most anybody in the department - it's a Miller play, and he's been one of my favorites since high school, so - " He paused, seeming to realize he was rambling on probably more than Benji was interested, so he shrugged again, allowing a small, honest smile. "But yeah, it's been going well. I'm happy to finally be doing what I want, what I love."

[BENJI FLYNN]

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Oh I don't really think about the money, Benji said folding his hands nervously into his lap. I don't see the point, I don't have anyone to spend it on. He bit his lip the moment the words came out of his mouth and he looked down at his knees. How could he have said something like that? He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, he could fix it. Well, I mean...you can always have some of mine...if you want it... He offered, his fingers knotting together to try and draw his attention away from his thoughts.

He remembered the day he had asked Percy to move in with him, expecting everything to just fall in to place. It hadn't, it had fallen apart. He wondered if Percy still had the key. Probably not, it was probably in a bin somewhere. No matter.

Benji looked up when Percy mentioned his 'bad habit'. The thin boy blushed and looked at the floor, managing to mutter out a Sorry before his throat closed up with embarrassment. He had to sit in silence for a moment to re-compose himself, but by then Percy had started talking. Benji looked up, genuine interest on his face as he watched the other boy become animated.

I'm sure you will get it, you were always the best in High School, Benji said with a smile, glad Percy was still going for his dream. Am I allowed to watch? he asked after a moment of silence, sipping his coffee as he waited for a reply. Percy would either refuse to let Benji anywhere near the theater or let him come out of pity.

I'm really glad you're happy. Benji admitted after another slight pause, his fingers untangling themselves in his lap. You deserve it, you know, to be happy. I-...yeah...really glad for you.

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[PERCY YEATS]

Percy was unsurprised to hear that Benji's interest wasn't in the money; Benji was better than that (better than him, he was constantly reminded), and at first he was amused to hear this, although the quiet little murmur that followed it made him frown. "You're too selfless, Benji," he said briskly, putting his coffee mug down and leaning his elbows on the edge of the counter.

He chose his strategy with care, choosing to take Benji's offer to give him money lightly; he laughed, his smile fond (and for all Benji's clouded vision of himself, it did take a special sort of person to be able to coax out such honest expressions from Percy Yeats) and said, "Right, you can be my rich music bizz sugar daddy when I'm a starving actor. Good plan."

When Benji asked permission to come see the show, Percy scoffed lightly, waving a and as if the question was ridiculous (which of course it was; as if he had to ask!). "Of course! I always thought I acted better when you were watching me, you know, back in high school." He grinned, shrugging in a demure manner, lowering his eyes before glancing curiously back at Benji. "Kind of like a lucky charm."

He paused briefly, tilting his head, a puzzled look passing briefly through the robin's egg blue of his eyes. "Thanks, Benji," he said. "What about you? Are you happy?" He shifted a little and asked casually (but rather boldly too, considering the still somewhat tense atmosphere). "Are you seeing anyone?"

Alright, so maybe Percy had once again found himself drawn to the natural spark of attraction that had always been there between the two of them - it's not like he wanted to be with Benji again, but he'd grown up since junior year of high school. He wasn't a frightened seventeen year old virgin with overly romantic ideals and high set expectations. He hadn't been in a serious relationship since Benji, but there were always fun flings, friends with benefits - and he thought, maybe...

Well, maybe he'd just like to see Benji again.
There was no reason to get ahead of himself too soon.

[BENJI FLYNN]

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Benji simply smiled at the compliment, hiding behind his over sized coffee cup. It wasn't true, he wasn't selfless, but it was nice of Percy to pretend. Benji was almost surprised to hear Percy laughing. He smiled, genuinely this time, at the sound. It was perfect, Percy was perfect. Benji nodded at the proposal and for a moment thought Percy was being serious. Until he realized almost a second later the other boy was kidding. I wouldn't mind, if you needed it for rent...or something.

He looked down at his coffee again as Percy talked of the theater, kind of a luck charm? Benji's face dropped a little as he fiddled with the hem of his shirt, You've managed to do fine without luck, he reasoned, a slight hint of pride in his voice - Percy had done well, and Benji was certainly very pleased for the boy. Very proud of him.

Benji almost dropped his cup at the next question, but he held it steady, only wincing slightly when some of the hot drink splashed onto his hand. Oh I'm fine he said, trying to smile at Percy once more, Am I...? Oh...er...no. No I'm not, I haven't...since he waved his hand a little indicating to Percy and back to himself.

I'm not really interested in it anymore...having a string of numbers to call up. He said, trying to sound more confident than he felt. It wasn't good for me. It made me into a monster. I hurt the people I loved...nah, I'm better off on my own, he said with a slight chuckle, tucking some of his hair out of the way. And...you? Are you seeing anyone? he asked, secretly dreading the answer.

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[PERCY YEATS]

Percy's whole demeanor shifted slightly from complacent to quizzical; brow quirking curiously, head tilting a degree to the side, fingers curling restlessly about his coffee cup. He was wondering at that moment, about the change he saw in Benji since they'd dated. Gone was the ego, the witty sarcasm, the selfish charisma and confidence - it was like the boy had wilted, like a flower in draught. He was blissfully ignorant (and concerned) for about five seconds before it dawned on him that his ex's transformation was because of him.

He shifted uncomfortably, eyes glancing down at the table in well disguised guilt before his lids fluttered with determination and he looked back up, expression pleasantly, attentively neutral. He smiled lightly, "Nah, don't worry about it, my parents are paying for anything all through school. I don't have to worry until I'm out there on my own, and then I'll be in New York." He shrugged, and his smile warmed a few degrees at the compliment.

"Yeah, but sometimes I really was better when you were there," he said quietly, a rare, honest comment that normally would have pained him to part with. Now he just thumbed his hair nervously from his face.

Benji's answer to his question stunned Percy into a small silence, blue eyes widening just a little. No one? Not only that, but he'd stopped hooking up with people as well? Was Benji implying celibacy? It took a moment for the brunette to shake off the astonishment. "I - no, I'm not. I haven't really either, I mean with relationships." He cleared his throat, straightening up somewhat. He, personally, could not say the same about one night stands. He dusted his fingertips nervously over the edge of the table. "But, Benji... aren't you lonely?" He knew Benji didn't have any family, and if he wasn't even looking for someone to make him happy...

[BENJI FLYNN]

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Well, when you're out there on your own then, Benji pressed, determined to give Percy something. Promise you'll call, if you need any. Even if you are...in New York. Two-thousand five-hundred and eighty miles. Benji leant back in his chair a little more. They'd never been so far apart. Benji used to struggle with two blocks away from each other. He didn't even want to think about even further. They may not have been in contact, but Benji always knew Percy was there somewhere.

He smiled and ran a hand through his hair, brushing it out of his eyes. The compliment was nice, and even sounded sincere. It was nice of Percy, though Benji still wasn't convinced he was telling the entire truth. But he let it slide, looking up to smile at the other boy from across the table.

Benji was glad to hear there was also a lack on the relationship side, with Percy. He still had some hope then. But Percy hadn't mentioned the other side. Benji bit his lip and was about to ask when Percy butted in before he could. Lonely? Benji?...Always.

No, not really. You get used to it. I never had a lot of people around my apartment...except you. It was no different really. Guess I started writing a little more, reading books for the first time in my life. Things like that really. Benji said, trying to keep his voice steady.

I guess I miss it sometimes, it's worse when you want to go somewhere but you'd look like an idiot if you went alone. I dunno...I find it difficult making friends. I've tried, but they don't really stick around for long. I'm so used to pushing people away now... he paused, smiling slightly placing his empty coffee cup on the table. You learn to live with it. Being alone isn't so bad. No one can hurt you.

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[PERCY YEATS]

Percy tilted his head, quirking an eyebrow at Benji's insistent offering of money. "Five years from now?" he questioned skeptically, folding his hands demurely in his lap lest they start to wander restlessly again. He shook his head, smiling in a lazy way. "You know I'm too proud to accept help from anybody, Benji, but don't worry." His smile brightened, flashing brilliantly for a moment as he said with great confidence: "I'm capable, I can make it on my own."

He listened to Benji explain his situation and his outlook, the smile fading steadily until it had altogether disappeared off his face. He stared intently at the table top, struggling to swallow the unpleasant taste that had risen in the back of his throat. "I don't get it," he said finally, faintly. "You used to be so extroverted, you made friends everywhere you went..." He looked up, the guilt resurfacing in his expression.

"Benji," he said with care. "Is it... is it my fault you're all alone now? I just - you just seem so different, I don't know..." He shrugged, suddenly quite uncomfortable, and turned his face slightly to the side as if he was embarrassed.

[BENJI FLYNN]

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I don't know, Benji began, honestly, shrugging his shoulders a little as he leant forward slightly, elbows resting on the coffee table. He wanted Percy to look at him, to really look. But at the same time he was scared of what the other boy would see.

Everything changed when you left, I don't know if it was a bad thing though. Running a hand up and through his hair he sighed, looking down at the floor. I was really selfish when we were together. You know I was. I was...the worst kind of person.

Looking up he smiled softly at Percy. I wanted to become a better person, for you...and for myself. I wanted to be someone you were proud of. I understand if you're not...I still need a bit of practice. He sighed and reached over the table, untangling one of Percy's hands from his lap and holding it in his own. I know you didn't do it intentionally, it was just hard to accept I guess...I think I had assumed at that point we were going to be together for longer. Benji admitted, a small smile back on his face. Genuine this time.

I still love you. I know for a fact that won't change. Maybe...if you're ever ready to love me in return...you'll give me a call, he said, getting to his feet and dusting down his pants. He smiled and bend over, placing the smallest kiss to Percy's cheek, and letting the boy's hand fall out of his own.

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[PERCY YEATS]

Percy fought to hide the nearly visible flinch that flickered across his face when Benji didn't immediately deny his guilt in the matter. He kept his eyes averted for as long as he could, but he could feel the other boy looking at him, and eventually his gaze lifted slowly, cautiously meeting Benji's, unable to break the eye contact once it had been made. It wasn't until Benji's eyes flickered downwards that Percy was able to look away, cheeks a little pink, brows knitted.

"I wouldn't say the worst," Percy mumbled, shrugging. "I mean, you were infuriating, this is true, but it's not like I'm really the type of person that could fairly call you out on being selfish." Percy had no delusions about his own very selfish and ruthlessly ambitious nature.

He recoiled a little bit, frowning slightly, unnerved. He wasn't sure he liked the idea of Benji... transforming himself so much for him. "Benji, I was always proud of you," he said suddenly, expression hard and unyielding. "And I loved you just the way you were, even if we might have had issues because some of the things you did. I mean, Jesus." He waved a hand in gesticulation of his frustration. "I sure as hell caused enough problems, but you wouldn't want me to change, would you - ?"

His half-angry, half-hysterical tirade was cut off as he was silenced by his own surprise, jolting a little at the feel of Benji's hand curling around his. He blinked, blue eyes wide, and stared, searching, into Benji's face as the other stood up. At the word 'love', he looked away, face pink, eyes troubled, but he couldn't stay looking away for long before Benji's pending departure dragged his attention back to the present.

"W-well, wait, hold on, jeeze," he mumbled, huffing slightly and getting to his feet. He caught Benji's sleeve, giving it a little tug. "Listen, Benji, I mean, I'm not really looking for a relationship right now, but... but I mean - " His face was quite pink, mouth pinched, gaze unable to rest for too long on one thing. "I'd like to keep seeing you. I don't want you to just disappear on me for two years again, you know?"

[BENJI FLYNN]

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The last thing Benji had expected was for the other boy to get to his feet, and even more surprising to grab him, stop him from leaving. He had felt the small flinched when he had taken Percy's hand, he felt like he was fighting a losing battle. Percy was already long gone. Benji was just an idiot for even thinking something would work out. He sighed and turned to face the other boy, trying to keep a smile on his face. Because he knew if he didn't he would have fallen apart right in the middle of the coffee shop.

He looked at Percy, noticing the boy couldn't keep still, couldn't even look at him. Looking away he nodded, Yeah...I don't mind, he said, trying to pass it off like he wasn't bothered. But he knew Percy would be able to tell from the way his voice wavered slightly, his throat tight as he tried not to blurt out every feeling he was trapping inside. Just call me...I'll be there, he said, gently pulling his arm out of Percy's grip as he turned away again. Reaching the door to the shop he paused for a moment and looked back at Percy; tears prickling the backs of his eyes. Goodbye he said, his voice hardly above a whisper, breaking slightly at the end.

Clearing his throat he swung open the door and walked to the nearest corner; turning down it he began to run, as fast as he could. When he thought he was far enough away he stopped and darted down an alley way, leaning against he wall he tried to catch his breath, mixing it with quiet sobs. Sliding down the wall he sat on the damp floor, knees up to his chest. He could feel the warm tears running down his cheeks.

Benji never cried, as a rule. He kept it bottled up and hidden away. But as he sat there, replaying the conversation in his head, he knew he had set himself up to have his heart broken again. Percy didn't want him, hell, he didn't even want himself. He was useless, pathetic...

He took a deep breath, brushing the tears from his cheeks with the back of his arm. Percy certainly wouldn't want him if he acted like a child.

The heart break would be worth it. The pain he'd feel in his chest every time he saw Percy would be worth it. The night sat on his own, curled up by the phone, just in case Percy called, would be worth it.

Just to see him happy.

It would be fine...he would be fine.

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