I have no idea what I'm doing..

[OLIVIA JANE RYDER]

entry number one
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Well... Don't you look like a fucking retard Olivia. Running to a book to sulk about your problems. You backed yourself into this corner, suck it up and get yourself out of it like you always do.
This is what my mind has been telling me for about two weeks now. It all started with a bit of nausea, no big deal. Weed started tasting weird and not feeling right so I stopped doing it, no big deal.. It's happened before, I'll be smoking too much and it won't work the same way, quit for about a month and it's all good again. Stopped drinking because hell, just didn't feel the urge to, no big deal. But now.. Now the pieces are starting to be put together though.. and the puzzle result is not what I expected.
It's been 8 days. The latest I've ever been, if you catch where I'm going with this. I'm not going to name names because disasters would occur if someone were to find this, but if this is true.. If this is really happening.. I don't know what we're going to do. I love him so much, it's not fair. Fate has a funny way of royally fucking you in the ass whenever it wants to. Only one person knows about this aside from both of us.. And he's far too burdened with his own shit that I don't want to burden him anymore.

God, I miss my dad so much.. Especially during times like these. I know I could go to him with this and he wouldn't judge me. He never judged me no matter what I did. He'd help me.. Help us. I mean.. I know my dad would have loved him as much as I do. He's perfect in every way, and I wish I could show that off. But both of our lives depend on this staying a secret, no matter how hard it is. So we're limited to spending time at his place.. And it gets fairly stuffy in there. Occasionally we'll sneak out for something really quick but it's far too risky.

I wish I could run away back to California with him. That's my dream.. Somewhere we could publicly be together without worrying about being judged. I'm getting tears in my eyes imagining it.. But I'd never expect him to do that. He has too much here, and until he mentions anything about leaving this dreadful place I will never mention it.

I hope these hormones really are just pms... Not something more. As much as I love the thought of it, this is definitely the wrong time.

Daddy.. Where are you? Your Oli really needs you right now..

[OLIVIA JANE RYDER]

entry number two
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I still can't believe he's really been gone.

It's been a month and a half now, Braxton seems to be managing just fine but I just don't understand how I'm supposed to be able to cope.

Ethan's gone, the only man in my life that made me feel like I was worth something since my father died. Even after that he still left. I mean I understand that he had to, he couldn't find work here and didn't want me to have to uproot in my last year. But doesn't he see that Braxton and I need him?
He has to see it, every time we skype he has to see the bags under my eyes, the stress radiating off of me and how tense I am. I don't even know who I am anymore. I haven't even talked to Blaine in three days. I mean hell, he has his own shit to worry about. He doesn't need my sorry ass bothering him with my problems.

On a somewhat lighter note, my baby Braxton can sit up on his own now, and ever since he could he's wanted to do this. He's 'wai fo da da'. Breaks my heart, but as long as Ethan doesn't abandon him it will have to do.

He can hurt me and leave me behind, but I won't let him leave his son.

ijustwishhedidn'thavetoleavemeatall...