Dear journal,

[OAKLEY JAMES]

You know, I've been thinking things over a lot lately. About myself mostly, and how I live my life. I know it's typical for people in denial about The things they've done to blame others, but I've come to the conclusion that my being a slut and shit is due to my lack of parental figures.

Cliche, I know, but seriously. Imagine living your life as a child, not having someone there to help you learn to ride a bike, or come to your school concerts and shit. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it scars you. I was almost destined to be this way, to sleep with multiple men to get attention. It's not my fault, right? No, never. Can't be.

Some people were talking about me today. Apparently I'm the devil, or medusa...Not really sure which one. Maybe my attitude comes with this whole lack-of-parents thing. Or maybe I really am a bitch. Fuck, why does this bother me now? Everything bothers me. I even shed a tear when everyone was ganging up on me earlier. The fuck? It's frustrating really...Sometimes I wish I could be nicer, or more morally stable. But then again, That would mean letting people into my heart. Ew. Why would I do that? UGH WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

God, if anyone finds this, I'm screwed. Maybe I was dumb for even putting my thoughts in the open...I guess I'll stop there. Don't want to give anything else away that could jeopardize my rep even more than I already have. That is, if this gets found. Which it won't. Whatever. I'm done. I need a drink.

[OAKLEY JAMES]

I can't believe this is actually happening

I was informed today that Teddy was killed. This Fucking Jimmy Noir...Who does he think he is? God, why am I even writing this down. All it's doing is making me cry more. Why am I even crying? All we did was have sex. That's it. Right? I don't know, maybe I just felt like....Like there would be more.

But how could there be? He didn't talk to me for a few weeks, and I moved on. What if I had called him? Maybe he wouldn't have run into jimmy. I feel so terrible...but then again, he should have called. Ugh, why am I blaming shit on a deceased person? I blame everything on everyone...Shut up, Oakley. Get it together. 

But I can't...because even though we didn't really see each other much, I think I might have really liked him. A lot. Maybe that's why I went off and fucked so many other guys to get away fro the truth? It doesn't matter now though, journal. He's gone. I just wish I hadn't been so heartless. Maybe someone would come comfort me if I'd been nicer...

[OAKLEY JAMES]

This is why I don't date...

I see all these couples around here, and I really don't understand why they bother, Diary. The fights, the...God-Forsaken feelings....all of it looks so annoying and tedious. Who wants to cry Over one person when they say something you don't agree with? Who wants to have that gut wrenching feeling when you watch your "significant other" flirt with some other person right in front of your face? Oh, who am I kidding...That's not a dating thing. That comes with just guys and girls in general. Me, specifically.

Teddy's not dead, so he's back in the picture. Hell, he'll probably always in the picture. I honestly don't think I can bring myself to do away with him. He's so perfect. He's so gorgeous, and sort of nice, but not too nice to where you're bored out of your mind. He's so mature, and interesting and for some reason, I think about him all the time. But we aren't even together. I don't even think he wants to be with me. And I don't think I could make the commitment to him because....

Ryan. 

I hate him. I hate him, I HHe's rude, and obnoxious and annoying and dumb and...and sweet and funny and exciting and...I don't know. There are some days I want to ring that neck of his, and others where I just want to run up to him and just...kiss him. He's a stress reliever. I get out all my anger on him, and then we make up and it's great. But now things are complicated because he gets so angry when I talk about Teddy, and I have to admit I don't take too kindly to his flirting with other girls. We're both too stubborn to tell each other though. And we're both too involved with other people to even remotely question the idea of dating, 

I guess I want them both. Maybe I'll take up polygamy, and we can all just sleep together and be merry. That wouldn't work...they'd probably end up hooking up themselves and leaving me alone. I'm so terrible to them both it wouldn't be a surprise to me. I don't know...I guess I just wish I wasn't so damn attracted to everyone...

[OAKLEY JAMES]

You want me to leave you alone? My. FUCKING. Pleasure.

You know how I said there were some days I wanted to ring his neck? This would be one of them.

Sincerely, Oakley James<3

[OAKLEY JAMES]

I didn't expect him to say it, nor did I expect myself to say it back

Ryan Mitchell, you make my life really complicated. How am I supposed to hate you, which I really did for a good 24-hours there, when you're running to my dorm, dropping plans with beautiful women, to come talk to me? How am I supposed to hate you, when you give me that hard look of hatred right back, yet I can see the softness in your eyes when you look at me?(cheesin' too hard) How am I supposed to hate you when you tell me you care...

I don't think anyone's ever told me that...Actually made it known.

And Ryan, how am I supposed to hate you, when you kiss me like you did tonight? 

Then again, how am I supposed to like you when I'm totally at war with my emotions? You may win me over every time I try to get away, but Teddy wins me over without me even leaving his side.

I've gone soft /: Ugh, I just want everything back to normal: fucking with not feeling behind it...

[OAKLEY JAMES]

He wants to make it work.

Teddy wants to make it work.

Teddy Munroe wants to make it work.

Teddy Munroe wants to make it work with me. He likes me. He wants me with him. He's willing to give up everything to be with me...

And here I am, hiding another guy from him. And him from the other guy. I really want to be with Teddy. I wish it was that easy, to just say fuck it and forget about everyone else. But I can't. Because you make my life a living hell. And I can't help but feel guilty. Can't you just find someone else? There's thousands of slutty girls willing to play your game. But hell, what am I saying? I'll get jealous if you find one...

Sigh. My life is a wreck.

[OAKLEY JAMES]

Fuck you. Fuck your stupid pasta-making. Fuck your flirting. Fuck you leaving that night. Fuck everything. 

I hate you. I hate you more than anything out there. Anything, and at one time I thought of you far from that. I actually kind of liked you. I'm sorry that you didn't get me. I'm sorry you thought I was joking with Teddy. I'm sorry about everything that made you think that I wanted you.

Mostly sorry for myself though. Because I sort of believed I did. And I'm sorry that I thought maybe I could just go on with my same routine: 
1.wake up with Teddy
2.fight with you
3.make up with You
4. Have sex with you
5. Find Teddy the next day...
6. Repeat.
But I was wrong. Because maybe you can't fool around with someone without getting somewhat attached. I thought maybe I was the exception. But i'm not. I liked you both. I still like you both. But you're done. And I don't want to fight anymore. And I want Teddy. And Teddy's here. So, Teddy it is. 

Enjoy Paris. I'll do my best to forget about you.

[OAKLEY JAMES]

My God, I'm pathetic.
I've listened to this song on repeat for the last three hours, and it just makes me want to break down and cry. I won't, because I cried enough for a while due to these past events, but hey, it's the thought that I actually want to that counts, correct?

It's not that I'm not happy. I am. It's kind of fun having a boyfriend. Especially Teddy. He's wonderful. I think what bothers me is the fact that you aren't happy. You know how they say the hardest thing to do is watch a boy cry? Well, I know you didn't cry, but talking to you last night kind of hurt in a strange way...I can't explain it. I wanted to make you feel better.  Then again, it seems you have the whole world on your side. Mitchie, Victoria, that random Latina that wants panties from you... So, why not be happy? You've got the world at your feet, waiting to be yours or some mushy shit like that. 

Maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe you're not sad at all. Maybe you want me to feel bad for what I did, just so you can pull the rug out from under me, give me a taste of my own medicine. It's cool, I get it. I'm a bitch. sue me

This is pretty repetitive...I should stop writing about you. What's done is done.  But it just feels so good to have it on paper.

[OAKLEY JAMES]

So, it's been quite awhile since I've written in this thing. I dunno,  guess I've been busy. 

Wait...that's funny lol. I haven't been busy in weeks. I seem to have pissed everyone off at Winchester. It's like every time I go on that damn chatroom, there's some bitch or dick talking about how horrible I am. Yeah, I'm not the nicest person in the world, but you would think they would do something to change that, rather than calling me out. 

I don't even give a fuck though. It would just be nice to have SOMEONE to  just chill with. Ryan fucking hates me, and he was the only person who really wanted to do anything.  Maybe that'll change though. I was right about his precious lover. They're over apparently. Maybe I can have my friend back. I'd never tell him this, but I miss him.