[not so] little black book.

[VICTORIA WATSON]

number one

[/color][/center]

Well, I figured it was about time I started another one of these. This one online, because it seems almost least likely to be found by someone I care about. Cryptic web address, username and password. No one would guess it was me. God, I hate doing this to him... I hate being so promiscuous but when he's so far away it makes it hard to resist the urge, especially considering what I get for it majority of the time.

I know all of these incidents would hurt him, but what happened last night may hurt him the most. This is going to be the first name written down on my new black book. Ryan Mitchell.

It was strange how it happened, too. I honestly wasn't expecting it but aside from the guilt I'm glad it happened. It started out watching some lame comedy, but we both knew what we really wanted. Ryan was a guy who liked to take charge, and I like that. I stayed over there last night, but now I'm so tired and sore I don't know what to do with myself. I mean, for once, I actually was able to get off without forcing it like I have to with most guys. Hell, it was been harder to NOT get off than to get off. I'll definitely visit him again sometime soon...

One thing that scares me though, is always when I'm having sex with someone who isn't my boyfriend.. There's always a lingering thought in the back of my mind that he'd be so disappointed in me if he saw me now.. But with Ryan it wasn't like that.. I didn't even think of him after wards. Not until I came back to the store.

What does this mean...?

[VICTORIA WATSON]

this doesn't deserve a number

[/color][/center]

I don't know why I'm writing this in here.. This is disgusting. I haven't even been writing about the guys I've been sleeping with. I feel so ashamed.. Disgusted with myself. And that.. that bitch Oakley isn't helping. I've never despised a woman as much as I do her. Aside from my mother she's the one woman who's ever truly gotten under my skin. It makes me sick.

Oh who am I kidding.. I make myself sick. Who am I? This isn't me. Victoria Watson would never stoop this low.. No matter what.. And feeling like this? Not acceptable.

I have to tell Greg.. There's no doubt in my mind I have to tell him.. This isn't fair.
I hope he can forgive me... And if he does.. I hope I can forgive myself.

Why can't life be easy? Perhaps I should run away again.. But what good will running really do?

_{ps. Am I really falling for you? How fucking stupid can I be..}

[VICTORIA WATSON]

the only one there will ever be..

[/color][/center]

He's gone.
He's really gone.

I deserved it though... I knew it was coming. I just didn't think it would be that easy for him. I didn't even have to tell him everything before he hung up on me and told me to never contact him again. You know that pressure you get on your heart right before it breaks? I'd been feeling that for the last few days.. But it's finally broken. I can't believe I actually allowed this to happen. Of all fucking people to do it, why did it have to be him to apply just the right amount of pressure to completely shatter it.

Guilt or heart break... I don't know what feels worse. Probably the guilt.. Because eventually the heart break will fade.. At least I'd like to think that. The thought of it eventually going away comforts me slightly but it's just.. Weird. I still find myself wanting to call him but then I realize that I can't..

I have felt this alone since Jason left me.. And I know he's here.. Somewhere. He's probably frowning on me for the life I've lead, but at least now there's no strings left back in New York. I can officially let go and start a new life.

..But can I? I don't know.. I'm not strong enough.. I can't do this on my own anymore.

Coming to Vegas was a mistake..