I would never put my name on this

[RYAN MITCHELL]

My sister bought this journal at some book fair thing they have at school. She told me she writes all the time in her journal, and that I should do it too. I wish I could look inside that journal and know all of her pain so I could fix it..but I know I can't, but I try to. Kind of like Superman. Mitchie's good at picking out names. Anyways...

Even though I have this, I will never write my name down in it. I vow this, because if someone was to see it. I could lie. I could say that my secrets are not mine.

Today, I think I need to pay a visit to that therapist person. A long time ago, my mom tried to act like she was some big hot shot mom and put me on some kind of forever list for this bitch, but maybe she will give me some pills. I sure as hell need them with this kind of stress. Then I could probably go to that Mercy club and hook up with Dorian, that'd help a little bit too, right?

After then, I think my dealer will have some Oxycontin available.

I swear if I hear that mother fucker scream again...I will lose it. My heads just not on right today. I feel like I'm losing my temper and cool with everyone and everything today. What the fuck is my deal?

I'll tell you how it goes later.

[RYAN MITCHELL]

Ending Conversation With Therapist
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Therapist What do you want?
Ryan: Volume.
Therapist:[/I] Maybe if you would have lied you would have a better time getting what you wanted.
Ryan: What does that say about what you do for a living?
Therapist: I just think we need to have a little bit more meetings before we even talk about giving prescriptions.
Ryan: Look. I'm having panic attacks, alright? I thought I was having a heart attack the other night. I threw up in a fucking trash can on the way here for christs sakes. I haven't slept in fucking weeks.
Therapist: Is that true?
Ryan: Yeah that's fucking true, I said something fucking true. I want some pills and you're gonna what? Close my file? Is that what you're gonna do? I thought I was supposed to tell the truth here.
Therapist: You are!
Ryan: A guy comes here for privacy. For every self reliance that he has, and what do you do? You send him on the street to score smack? Is that what you do?...You're fucking ridiculous.

-Therapist hands him two pills-

Ryan: Two pills? Great. Why don't you give me a hand gun, and a bottle of scotch to blow my fucking brains out? Are we done here? With this bullshit.
Therapist: Yknow what? You can leave!
Ryan: Yeah. I'm fucking out of here, and what if that was a legit threat? Then what you fucking hot shot. [/size]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That was the biggest waste of time in my life. I have never met anyone as bitchy and unhelpful in my life. Yesterday was just not the best day for me. Not only did I not have anything to hold me over, but I have been fighting with Oakley non-stop. Seriously, I don't know why I care so much. Maybe if I find some kind of pain killer, I'll be back to normal and I could tell her to fuck off I really hope so because I really don't want to deal with the extra feelings of caring. It's not ever worth the stress...

Where the hell is my phone?

[RYAN MITCHELL]

And I thought I could trust you.

[RYAN MITCHELL]

What the hell kind of parents must me and my sister have? Oh yeah selfish, money caring dumbasses. She just called me and said "Why don't you ever have a girlfriend or boyfriend? Are you a...man whore like mom said?" Of course I said I wasn't which, I am...then the next question came "I wish you'd get a girlfriend though...I think it would be cool."

Why the hell did I think of You when she said that?

[RYAN MITCHELL]

I am so stupid, and I'm so stupid to even be hurt. There was so many things I wanted to say to you, so many, but I am so mad, that I couldn't stand to look at you anymore. I can't stand to look, hear, see ect. of you anymore. Harsh? Nope. Crybaby-ish? Maybe, but I don't really care. So, option is, Paris. French people...hear I come.

Sincerely,

Who really gives a flying fuck?

[RYAN MITCHELL]

Finally just arrived at the Hotel Fouquet's Barriere in Paris...

I must say this is the most gorgeous and expensive hotel I've been to, but it is worth it. I can already tell.

Can't say that I miss you Las Vegas. (;

[RYAN MITCHELL]

Weird. Last entry I put in this thing was when I was at Paris.

A lot of shit has changed since then, and I keep asking myself what the hell has happened to me. I have a boyfriend now. Mitchie. I'm pretty much nuts about him, but...that whole thing is confusing.

Confusion pisses me off. People ask me why I get so fucked up, and I can bet 95% of the time its probably cause of confusion and I just don't want to think of it anymore. Actually no, there's another even percentage and that's hurt and being afraid of things. Having those kind of feelings makes me angry too. I guess if I could have a super power, it'd be to not feel those kind of feelings.

I just wish things would ravel out and settle so I didn't have to go onto roofs and want to jump off buildings.

[RYAN MITCHELL]

It's funny how people say bottling things up never helps because when you do let people know your feelings and those feelings are shot down even further than before.

Bottling them up hurt less.

[RYAN MITCHELL]

I feel like I've made no progress. Really...what was the point? What was the point if in the end I was going to lose one the most important people in my life right now. I tried so hard. So hard to make everyone happy to make everyone okay, but I don't think it's worth it anymore.

I've never felt so broken...Why would he even make me love him? Fall in love with him. I don't even want to see him...talk to him. I don't want anything from him, but..I do at the same time. I hope it goes away.

It doesn't matter anymore. I gave love a chance, and just like the very theory I had before this, I was left heart broken. I was left period. It's time to stop playing doctor. It's time to stop playing someone..someone I'm just not. I guess it's time to go back to the comfort of my favorite friends. Herion, Coke, Weed..everything.

They never did run away. They never left me.